I Thought You'd Be Bigger

Ever heard someone say something like this? It's like that restaurant that all of your friends say is the "best place on the face of the planet!" The only problem is, you've never seen the place. And then you get there only to find a run down, tiny little hole in the wall and you say to yourself, "I thought it would look nicer." This is how it is for the main character of our 1989 Sunday Matinee, "Road House."

But before I get ahead of myself, I have to discuss one thing. Like all of the old matinees of the past, movies sometimes need a little tweaking and editing in order to show them on TV. Since this movie is full of cursing and inappropriate content, some elements will be changed in order to keep it at a PG rating. But for the fun of it, I'll take the first letters of those words and use them to create new sayings. Enjoy!


Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, a short yet super tough guy who is know all around for being the best cooler in the business. He takes places where they "sweep up the eyeballs after closing" and helps turn them into classy joints. And what place is he trying to clean up? The Double Deuce. First on the list of things to do is clean up the staff. Some might think that this is a good thing, but boy are they wrong. Swayze fires the nephew of Brad Wesley, the town's one true thug who has control over almost everything and everyone in the area. Uh oh! He then proceeds to train the ones who stay to help make the Double Deuce a respectable place to party. And all he says is, "I want you to be nice." One fellow replies, "What if they call you a Cuddly Sasquatch?" Swayze's response to that is, "Well are you?" A couple of bar brawls later, the place is getting better. Business is up. People are flocking to the joint. Swayze gets cut by a knife and has to go to the doctor. But this doctor is not just a doctor, she's a hot lady, who eventually falls for Dalton's tough guy antics. She even asks if he wants anything for the pain before she staples him up. He gives her the best three words he can say to keep up his tough guy persona. "Pain don't hurt." They begin to date. He finds out she used to date Brad Wesley, who isn't over her yet. This just adds fuel to the fire. But this is where the movie really gets good. Wesley brings in the muscle...a mullet wearing dude who like to say things like, "I used to Flabbergast guys like you in prison!" So Swayze calls up his mentor Wade Garrett, who is none other than the long haired, limping, motorbike riding Sam Elliot. They all fight. A bunch of times. Enter the drama. Wade Garrett knows Swayze's one secret. He killed a man. Gasp! He even tries to perk up Swayze by telling him, "You can do two things when a man points a gun in your face. Lay down and die, or kill the Mellow Fellow!" Things get worse. Brad Wesley begins torturing people in the town. He even kills Wade Garrett! Swayze then fights Wesley's kung-fu boy, tears out his larynx, and then pushes him into the river yelling, "Hey Wesley! Fluffy Yaks!" In the end, it all comes down to a showdown between Swayze and the bad guy.

Honestly, what more can you ask for in an action movie? You've got fighting, great one-liners, girls, 80's blues music, and my wife's favorite...Patrick Swayze's Butt! This movie so good that people have even written songs about it. So attached below, for your viewing pleasure, is the Mystery Science 3000 song, "Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas."